Feeling lost
I'm not myself lately. Ever since the holidays finished and second semester started to hint its arrival, I've been a mess. And I decided- maybe blogging about it can clear my head up.

I suspect that it's mostly fear, this thing eating me up. First semester was horrible. I've been hosting study marathons night after night and depriving myself a lot of sleep, and when the holidays came I was just so goddamn happy that it's all over. And now here comes second semester, and I'm not so sure if I want to dive back to those stressful days.

Enrollment was the first of the worst days awaiting me. I was so unfortunate having been 26th in the queue, and I'm not even enrolled yet although Tuesday's the first day of classes. Classes were running out of slots, and we didn't care about having crappy schedules anymore as long as we have secured any kind of schedule for our own. Me? I need two classes I haven't gotten into yet. And this will sound unfair, but I'm feeling bad all the same, so here we go: it's so frustrating. We're regular students, we take the regular (and goddamn heavy) load. We don't have a lot of options, see. Our schedules aren't going to be as free as those by students who are irregular. So I guess, what my point here is, I hope they understand that we need to get those classes we need to get into. I see my crappy schedule, and then there are some irregular students who can even choose to not take 7am classes, or have a day off aside from weekends, and I just want to sigh in despair. Because I'm in a position where I need to swap classes with them but most aren't willing to because it'll ruin their perfect schedule.

I don't hold it against them, though, because I myself want a perfect schedule. If I were them I'd be hesitant too. I want 10am classes everyday if possible, or a day off within the week. It's just, I don't know what to do. I'm never going to get enrolled if I don't get to swap classes with any of them. There's me as seen from the outside, politely and smilingly asking if anyone's available at this day and time so we can swap classes instead, and then there's this me inside who's crying buckets and tearing her hair off and kneeling, pleading for someone to say, yeah, sure, we can swap classes. Let's fix this together. But I am yet to meet that someone.

This enrollment hassle isn't the only thing that's bothering me, though. I don't know. I feel sort of hopeless/directionless at the thought of second semester starting. I just wish I'm being melodramatic and I'll get over this phase, because I seriously don't want to end up with depression or anxiety or something. Or maybe I'm feeling this way because I'm in this confusing state of pause. Pause, as in it's not vacation anymore but school's not starting yet, either. Maybe once school starts, things will settle themselves and I'll get back to the usual routine and I won't feel as anxious anymore.

Another thing that's bothering me: I'm seriously considering to write something. I still don't know what that something is. I'm still looking for it, but what I do know is that I want to see it written down on paper and published. I want to write something, make a manuscript, sell it to publishers, see my name as an author of a book.

Am I in a crisis or something? Hahaha. I sound crazy. What do I really want?

I always say "I'm not sure why I'm in Pharmacy" but that's a lie. I'm in Pharmacy because I chose to, when I was handed that list of offered courses by UP Manila, thinking that being a pharmacist is a respectable profession and it will pay the rent in the future. Later on, I think that's not a good enough reason. Hospitals depress me too, so I'm not sure if choosing this was sadistic or heroic or straight-on idiotic. But I'm here now, and I'm in a process of falling in love with my course except this process is a love-hate relationship. I love studying AnaPhysio, because the human body amazes me (not enough for me to pursue medicine, though. I'm fainthearted. I can never handle gory and bloody situations). Pharmacy Informatics I aced, because it's where I truly appreciated my future role. We simulated telephone calls, we shadowed upperclassmen who counsel patients, and I think, "I'd love to be good at that someday." It secured me to this profession I revere.

But like I said, getting there has its hurdles and is downright stressful, making me hate it at times most of the time. And sometimes it makes me wonder.. see, I gradually fell in love with a course I didn't fully appreciate at first. But what if I chose my first love? Either creative writing, journalism, or fine arts? What would've happened then?

And then I stop asking myself these questions because it makes me feel something very close to regret. I tell myself instead that after I finish Pharmacy, I'm going to find a way to fuse them or incorporate writing/arts into my profession. Because I realize (after watching Fight Club, too) that this cycle- this finish your schooling, get a degree, find a job, work somewhere, get settled, have a family, keep working until retirement, pass this cycle on to your children- there's nothing extraordinary in it. It's a routine. It's dull, it's boring. It's like a predetermined life is simply pushed on to you and you just accept it like it's no big deal. So here: I'll make my life extraordinary. I may follow some parts of the routine but I'll put in some twists and turns there. And my first love will have to play a part in that, because I have a feeling that it will provide the twist and turns in my soon-to-be extraordinary life.

I'm not yet a cynic so don't get me down here. I still dream. I still think life's beautiful, and I hope that no matter what life throws me I never lose sight of its beauty.

I've never written something serious as this before, so I'm really sorry if I'm sounding really poetic or something. But then again I didn't write this for anyone but me. And it worked like a charm, like writing about what I'm feeling usually does.

I'm feeling a little less lost right now.

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Saturday, January 17, 2015
@ 16:30